The COVID Diet by Layton Park

Being in quarantine the first three months had a lot of people talking about how much weight they were gaining and setting goals to reduce it. It gave me extra time to set some new goals as well.

As an author, I always wanted to write a best-selling book, which is not easy, then it occurred to me that the best-selling books are diet books, cookbooks, and of course, sex sells everything. If I could include all three in one book, it would be a sure winner.

Cookbooks tell men how to make meals romantic enough to impress her so she will jump into the sack at the mere taste of your, flambé.

Men on the other hand will do so after a Big Mac, but women take great pride in their ability to cook, thinking it will somehow make them even more attractive.

Diet books tell us, if we are thinner, we would look younger and sexier, which would, in turn, get us more sex. Diet cookbooks win on both counts. The clear message being if we do a good job with either, or both, will result in more sex. In fact, we will buy just about anything for two reasons, if we think it will result in more sex, or we will look sexier thereby getting more sex. I know that may sound like one reason, but I’m a man and we are not all good at math. Anyway, the result is the public is ready – no, anxious – to learn about the new sex diet.

I studied several diets and was amazed at how many contradicted one another. There are high-fat and low-carbohydrate diets, high-carbohydrate and low fat.

There are diets that allow both providing they are not consumed at the same time. Some diets dictate what you can eat based on your blood type. Other diets suggest you can eat as much as you want and anything you want so long as you have a glass of water between each bite, and so on.

They all claim to work, and they are all popular. Each week the grocery store checkout stand displays numerous books and magazines touting the latest, greatest diet, right there where you can pick up a copy conveniently along with your Laura Secord cake, case of cola, and a gargantuan chocolate bar.

The old model of yesterday’s grey-haired, out-of-shape fifty-year-old is long gone, and boomers are obsessed with searching for the magic that will make us look eternally youthful. We want to be as sexy as some of our sixty-something plus movie heroes, like Cher, Glenn Close, or Dustin Hoffman. Why is it that plastic surgery seems to allow women to stay young and beautiful forever while men turn out looking like dried potatoes carved people?

Based on the number of gurus showing us the way, I concluded that anyone can call themselves an expert on the most effective way to lose weight by simply inventing their own program, so here is mine. I call it the Sex Diet.

I called it the Sex Diet for two reasons, first, the name has real marketing potential. Second, on my diet you can eat anything you want, so long as you eat it while having sex.

Don’t laugh. After all, who craves potato chips while playing slap and tickle? Most cravings disappear as soon as you remove your clothing. In fact, for some it is too much bother to undress for a snack, so unless you enjoy sex with your clothes on, the amount eaten will be immediately reduced.

Those who are willing to strip down find that suddenly the thought of eating disappears or the types of food they desire suddenly changes. Gone are the cravings for over processed, high-calorie foods. One look in the mirror and your brain is probably screaming, “Diet food!” Immediately, and without any conscious thought, cravings shift to more natural food items. The next time you are being intimate, ask yourself: Would I sooner have a big plate of spaghetti right now or a banana? Even if you unwittingly choose the spaghetti, you will have to “take a break” to make it? Besides, you simply can’t eat that much pasta while frolicking under the covers.

There is a lot to be said for this diet. While the thought of whipping cream may still be exciting to some, an electric mixer in bed poses too many dangers for most of us.

Ice cream is ruled out because as soon as it touches someplace unfriendly to cold it has the opposite effect of an aphrodisiac. Popsicles fit into the same cold category and is also not only sticky but if the sticks are flung about carelessly in the heat of the moment, a person could lose an eye. (If that happens just once, can you imagine the warning labels the government will demand be printed on the wrappers.)


Likewise, buttered popcorn is too messy, and anything that requires a knife, fork or other sharp utensil tends to cause a loss of concentration.

Foods that suit this program are limited to those that can be eaten with one hand, do not require utensils, and are not crumbly or sticky. Hot foods cause as much anxiety as cold. Delivered foods are an option, but you know that pizza delivery guy is going to show up at exactly the wrong time.

There is no denying the effectiveness of this diet, you are already looking forward to your next meal on this plan.

For those who can’t wait to buy a copy of my book, the Sex Diet, I make this humble one time offer. Send in $19.95 and I will begin to write it.

Send an add an additional $9.95 and we will include a list of more fun great foods guaranteed to help you lose weight.

The ongoing quarantine will give me more time to write and you, the reader, more time to try the sexersizes.

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